Wake me up

I have been trying to see life differently and excitingly. I see life as an adventure that is filled with interesting obstacles. Obstacles that will always find their way to trick us but at the same time, teach us. World has provide us with all kind of issue and matters for us to argue or question. There are so many opportunity lies before our eyes. We struggle day and night to grab it. Most of it lead to richness, luxury and money. After we achieve it, then what? True, another one will come and we shove everyone who gets in our way to snatch the new jewel. Then what are you going to do with that jewel? Wear it? Sell it? Getting money from selling it, you buy other things. Then? Don’t you see that life is a meaningless cycle? Don’t you see that our so-called ambition, goal, aim, target, vision and mission are all going to end up at one circular space where we don’t know what to do next because all paths has been explored. One thing though will never get you lost. It will never bore you. You will learn something new every day. It is your goal of being born to the world. It is your duty till death. It is your way of life. It is islam. Embrace it closely, hold it tightly, let go of it only if you are not using His gift to keep survive in this world and that includes oxygen. With islam, compasses  will find you and show the direction, life is never motiveless cause we are supposed to worship our Creator. We are supposed to be grateful and follow Him obediently. We are a creature that is created to follow Him. That is the meaning of life. To be the best servant in His eyes. Then what? After we done all that, then what? Nothing. Your task is complete. However, it will only be completed on your date of death. Remember that.

When people says IB program will going to affect you in and out. Eat all your flesh and leave bones to the dog. I denied them. I was being rebellious against all the ‘impossible’ thoughts and creating a web of mind interpretation against those perceptions. I do not trust in others’ experience. I always said to myself that they are not being optimistic. People with mind that think everything is hard and cannot be done irritated me so much. I could not stand that group and really wanted them to shut up. Now, being here and experiencing it myself. Feeling the busyness and hecticness, I tried not to say yes to those saying about IB. I tried to keep being positive and say that, I will get all work done one day. But, what do I do for that? Nothing. I just sit in front of my laptop and try to plan everything. At the end of the week, none of it goes as planned. What’s wrong with me? I am a girl that believe in the power of determination. I believe that how stupid someone is, if they want to be a doctor, they can. As long as they work hard. I am the one who always say to myself that if everyone can do it, I must can. I am the one who always admit that people choose their fate. They want it bad or good, it depends on them. Now, I am going to wake up and get back on the track. It is time. This coming sem 2 exam is one of the most important exam. Whether I get to go to Uk, Ireland, Australia, India, Indonesia, Russia or Malaysia, it’s this test. Get up now me!

Thank you

When I feel sad, when I’m alone, when no one is around, when I cannot tell anyone else, I talked to Him. I complained to Him. I cried in front of Him. I asked Him how bad am I. I could not bear to hear from others how a jerk am I. But I asked Him. I beg for His helps. I seek for Him desperately for help. Then, I decided to stop crying. I wanted to act tough and never tell others. I wanted to keep the relationship. It’s ok even if I’m hurt. As long as we remain friends. I thought I could pull off my plan. I thought I will handle it well for the rest of my life. I thought I will not cry again reminiscing the incident. I thought I have gathered my strength and will absolutely pass this obstacle. I really thought so. But, He knows me better. Maybe He knows that I will cry each time looking at them. Maybe He knows that I cannot concentrate on other things after this. And maybe He knows that I am not that strong. I need love around me. I need to feel needed. I need friends. He knows what I need and gave me that. He sends angels to comfort me. He gives me a chance to let all the feelings trapped out. He knows that is what I needed the most and it is true. I kept nothing inside anymore. All the sadness are gone. Knowing that they really are my friends and love me too. My gloominess are gone. I am happy again. Yes, He helped me. He do all this. He set this up. He has His own way to make me feel His nikmat. He really shows His attention towards me. And I? What did I do? What did I do when I am happy? Why don’t I turn to Him every single second and thanked Him. Why don’t I? Why must I look for Him only during my sorrow. Why not every second? He is always there. Waiting for me. And I?

I'm budding off

I thought I was part of them but today, it seems like I was totally wrong. They don’t even remember their moment with me. Not even one. They did not point it out at all. Yes, maybe there is really nothing about me. Who am I to them. Nothing. Even if I’m not around. It is so ok. They did it today because someone elese could not be around. Not because of me. I don’t aspect them to do it because of me too. No. it is just that. I really thought that I am part of them and they will be incomplete without me. But, it is opposite of what I thought. It will be better for them if I’m not there. I’m not supposed to come. That will be cherrier. They missed Ha, they missed qish. But, did not miss me at all. AT ALL. Sorry guys for squeezing into the group. Sorry for making you  guys make a space for me. i know that I am so not invited. What a silly me. rushing to meet you guys. Excited to hug and never let go of you guys. Wanted to be with you guys all the time. Sorry for being the burden. Sorry for talking crap that you guys don’t want to hear. I really am sorry. You guys soo don’t ned me.sorry for all the crap, rubbish came out from this voice you don’t even want to come across. Deep inside, I really was hoping that what I thought was wrong. But, my instinct usually right. That is the sad part. Maybe I am that bad. I don’t deserve any of lib=ving person. I am evil. I am heartless. I am selfish. I am annoying. Sorry.i’ll miss you guys n will remember each and everyone of you though no one will of me. ok, InsyaAllah now i'll smile again and never tell.

he has more reason to cry than me. isn't it?

Sorry

I have turn into dragon I’m afraid of. My biggest fear is turning into bebe(someone I don’t want to be, just call him that). He has been a bench mark for what I will not become despite the fact that I am tied to him for the rest of my life. Raised by him, I cannot deny the fact that the probability of turning into him is 0.8. By not being responsible to people surround him, he hurts a lot of people. He has done cruel things beyond my imagination and there is still more I yet to explore. For that, I promise to myself not to be like him. However, I always found myself talking words just like him. I don’t want to do it. That is why I try to control my mouth by being quiet. I don’t want to hurt others feeling and I believe now that it is very important. I really don’t want to be like him. I tried so hard though I always end up back to the beginning. I am so annoying and I am such a jerk. My Creator ask me to take care of my relationship with humans but I always ruin it. I always make them end up hating me. I am not a lovable person and I can feel like no one loves me. Even love from my god, I have spoil it. I always feel like I have nothing and no one appreciate my presence. Even if I’m not around, no one will miss me. Why can’t I be missable. I also believe that my family love me for the sake that I’m their family. If I’m not around, it will be better. i always hope my thought deceive me though. i really hope so because if it's not.... i cannot live alone in this world. no one actually can. i don't want to be ego and say i can...because i Cannot

I noticed, recently everyone seems to ignore me. They did not listen to any single words I say. They don’t response at all. Am I that annoying and full of myself? Yes, I’m such a jerk. I know. Guys, how can I say and expressed that I am sorry for being such a jerk, annoying little bitch and irresponsible. Sorry for what I am when I hangout with you guys. Sorry for troubling you guys for having to be my friends. Sorry for being quiet and just listen because I don’tknow what to say. It’s not that I don’t want to laugh together or say something but I feel like I don’t belong there with you guys. Everyone there seems to have something to be proud of. While I am such a jerk. I am so lame. I don’t watch star wars. I don’t even want to. I don’t read 9gag. I don’t have twitter. I don’t know all English songs. I like Malay songs. I don’t know how to play guitar. I don’t know how to sing. I don’t go to movies often. I don’t hangout at expensive places. I don’t buy original designer brand. I don’t speak English very well. I don’t have confident. I am not fair coloured skin. I have no iphone. But, the only thing I thought I have is you guys though I know that you never consider me as one. The only thing I know is loving you guys though you guys don’t. The only thing I know is supporting you guys though you guys never saw it. Sorry for disturbing you, friends by entering your frame of life. Well, it is all my fault. I never present myself fully to the CREATOR whom I suppose to love. He is the only one I should seek love from. I hope I don’t lose that too. If I do. Then I really have nothing.

Writing zxcvbnmlkjhgfdsaqwertyuiop

Merely by writing I’ll be able to develop my thoughts, broaden my views and magnify my feelings. Through words I can express my true self, heal my hearts and share my grievances. Thus, by writing the words I can avoid talking, yelling and arguing with people because I may get mad in the process and they might hate me. So, I better throw all of those needs visually instead of orally. Sometimes, I really need to write just to get everything out of my chest. I cannot confess to others as my thought and feeling might hurt them. Yes, I have quite a bad opinion on anything and I kept it to myself as it is obligatory to preserve others feeling. Words coming out from any mouth can be a lethal weapon. With astringent critics, friendships are ruined, marriages divorce, suicides an option, and war created. Words are very powerful.

- is it true and valid? so far, it is true for me as I believe in it. coherence of sentences are so important. they shaped the essays, journal or novel. readers need to see the relation between sentences to make sense of the writings.

Besides, I’m accepting a challenge from an author who says repeatedly that everyone can write just like “everyone can cook” (if you get what I mean). In pursuit of not getting the hypothesis busted, I will try my very best to write frequently. This should help me because according to him, the most important part in writing well are practices and the words must come from my heart, perception and experience. In short, express everything in words sincerely. Use non-clichés words (in progress). Less is definitely more but inadequate is definitely not enough. I think, this would be a starting point and I do believe that it is never too late for a room of improvement (trying so hard huh). He did mention that a good writer has a clear mind. They sort everything accordingly. I need that badly. My essays have been such a mess. Even I myself could not bear looking at my own paper. My thoughts are everywhere. The sentences are not coherent and they are scattering all over. Anyone who reads them thought it is a puzzle where they need to cut off the sentences and arrange it back.

1, 2, 3. TYPE !